Fell In Love With A Girl
Said it once before, but it bears repeating now...
I detailed a lot about the unraveling of our relationship in early January and all the things which led up to its dissolving here and in the posts that followed. I did try to paint a complete picture, as I have no desire or need to illustrate her as a bad person or presume to punish her in front of everyone. I just tried to be honest. What I did not explain, of course, was the full scope of what was going on with her. It was not my intention to leave this out in order to draw a more dismal picture of her, but actually the opposite; I didn't want to give anyone who would be insensitive or judgmental more reason to write her off. It's no secret that, through this entire process, I have been full of love for her and whether that made me sad or happy at the time it never abated.
We all know she's done some truly horrible things and has hurt me beyond any amount of hurt I ever expected to feel from her. We all know that. And yet here I am, back with her again. How can it be? Well... now is the part where I explain.
There's no real excusing or glossing over her gigantic mistakes except for one thing: I've done much worse, and yeah, I expected and deserved to be forgiven for it. Why? Because I changed and became a different person. I presumed that she was not only capable of similar changes, but that she wanted to make them.
A little quote from that above-linked selection:
I did what she did, only I did it worse. And when I was finally busted, just as she was, it was the catalyst for me becoming a different person once and for all. I don't think what I did was a good thing, but the pain of it brought me low and made me stop fucking around with what's left of my life.
She's started several very deliberate and decisive steps to changing herself from the ground up. No more playing "can't access me anymore" with me; I talk to her three times a day and visit her whenever possible (she's now planning to visit me in about a week). She's begun alternative medicine treatments that are actually having an effect on her illnesses (whereas conventional medicine has had nothing). She's not only broken off contact with the guy she was with, but has also threatened him with a restraining order if he tries to worm her way into her life again (he over-fed her a lot of pharmaceuticals for her pain to keep her judgment off kilter). She's introduced me to her parents. The list goes on.
I changed. And now she's changing.
There's no way to neatly wrap it all up here. You can't be witness to the decision-making process that went on in my quiet, private moments. You can't feel what I feel. You can't see what I see. All I can do is assure you: This is a good thing. And we are happy.
I detailed a lot about the unraveling of our relationship in early January and all the things which led up to its dissolving here and in the posts that followed. I did try to paint a complete picture, as I have no desire or need to illustrate her as a bad person or presume to punish her in front of everyone. I just tried to be honest. What I did not explain, of course, was the full scope of what was going on with her. It was not my intention to leave this out in order to draw a more dismal picture of her, but actually the opposite; I didn't want to give anyone who would be insensitive or judgmental more reason to write her off. It's no secret that, through this entire process, I have been full of love for her and whether that made me sad or happy at the time it never abated.
We all know she's done some truly horrible things and has hurt me beyond any amount of hurt I ever expected to feel from her. We all know that. And yet here I am, back with her again. How can it be? Well... now is the part where I explain.
There's no real excusing or glossing over her gigantic mistakes except for one thing: I've done much worse, and yeah, I expected and deserved to be forgiven for it. Why? Because I changed and became a different person. I presumed that she was not only capable of similar changes, but that she wanted to make them.
A little quote from that above-linked selection:
I did what she did, only I did it worse. And when I was finally busted, just as she was, it was the catalyst for me becoming a different person once and for all. I don't think what I did was a good thing, but the pain of it brought me low and made me stop fucking around with what's left of my life.
She's started several very deliberate and decisive steps to changing herself from the ground up. No more playing "can't access me anymore" with me; I talk to her three times a day and visit her whenever possible (she's now planning to visit me in about a week). She's begun alternative medicine treatments that are actually having an effect on her illnesses (whereas conventional medicine has had nothing). She's not only broken off contact with the guy she was with, but has also threatened him with a restraining order if he tries to worm her way into her life again (he over-fed her a lot of pharmaceuticals for her pain to keep her judgment off kilter). She's introduced me to her parents. The list goes on.
I changed. And now she's changing.
There's no way to neatly wrap it all up here. You can't be witness to the decision-making process that went on in my quiet, private moments. You can't feel what I feel. You can't see what I see. All I can do is assure you: This is a good thing. And we are happy.
posted by Orbital at
9:47 PM
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