Over and over...
Mornings come, they sprawl into the expanse of my day, then they settle into night again.
The telephone rings. The bills get paid. Someone comes to visit for coffee and a chat. I go to visit someone else. A movie gets watched. Mail is read. Computers are turned on and off.
I start my car. I drive. I return. I have moments when I laugh. I have moments when I don't. I sometimes wonder if I know what's going on and other times it's all too clear. I explain things. I have things explained to me.
There are moments when I feel very good about myself. Other times not as much. I have an ocean of questions that haven't been answered and probably never will. At times I am acutely aware of what I've given away of myself, but most days I am still certain that I did what was right and I believe in some ways it made things better, not worse.
Tomorrow I will get up and do the usual routine of showering, brushing teeth, taking vitamins, saying my prayers, the usual. I'll go out and give some money away. I'll get some mail. I may have a coffee. I may not. I will resolve to do 100 things in this one day and I will probably accomplish only enough to count on the fingers of one hand. But that will be enough.
I'll think about her when I wake up first thing in the morning and I will think about her last thing when I go to bed at night. She will come to mind several times a day for me and each time my heart will clench and hold her thought until it's blown away by the intrusions of everything I've mentioned above. When it returns, I'll do it again.
Some things just don't fade.
The telephone rings. The bills get paid. Someone comes to visit for coffee and a chat. I go to visit someone else. A movie gets watched. Mail is read. Computers are turned on and off.
I start my car. I drive. I return. I have moments when I laugh. I have moments when I don't. I sometimes wonder if I know what's going on and other times it's all too clear. I explain things. I have things explained to me.
There are moments when I feel very good about myself. Other times not as much. I have an ocean of questions that haven't been answered and probably never will. At times I am acutely aware of what I've given away of myself, but most days I am still certain that I did what was right and I believe in some ways it made things better, not worse.
Tomorrow I will get up and do the usual routine of showering, brushing teeth, taking vitamins, saying my prayers, the usual. I'll go out and give some money away. I'll get some mail. I may have a coffee. I may not. I will resolve to do 100 things in this one day and I will probably accomplish only enough to count on the fingers of one hand. But that will be enough.
I'll think about her when I wake up first thing in the morning and I will think about her last thing when I go to bed at night. She will come to mind several times a day for me and each time my heart will clench and hold her thought until it's blown away by the intrusions of everything I've mentioned above. When it returns, I'll do it again.
Some things just don't fade.
posted by Orbital at
6:15 PM
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